A Common Man at Hell's Gate

            Virgil had to do this. She had been taken from the world far too soon. It wasn’t fair. They always warned him that life wouldn’t be. But shouldn’t it? He thought it should, and he was going to try and make that the case. In order to do this, he would have to face many trials. The first of which was the dog.

            The beast with three heads was as tall as a house that some rich man would own. Six beady red eyes the size of basket balls stared back at Virgil, as he approached the gates. The black monster growled at him. But he had a plan for this. Because, despite the two extra heads, Cerberus, was still a dog. Virgil reached into his back pocket and pulled out three strips of bacon dog treats.

            “Sit!” Virgil commanded. The dog sat down and slowly began to shrink down in size. until it was not much larger than Virgil’s own dog Spot. He gave each head a piece of bacon, gave them a pat, and rubbed its belly, before he moved on through the gates.

            The next trial would be the river. The vast black Styx. Virgil was not the kind of man that could afford to get authentic ancient Greek coins, or even just get some gold melted down into coin shapes. So, he hoped his two quarters would be enough.

            Virgil waited at the edge of the river for the ferry to come. Before long an old cloaked man emerged from the eternal fog, rowing his boat towards the shore, towards Virgil. He did not speak as his boat rubbed up against the silver sand of the shore. Virgil handed the man his two quarters, but the old man would not take them.

            “Okay then,” said Virgil. “I don’t need you.” Virgil stepped into the river and felt the water that was both infinitely cold and infinitely warm.

            “You mustn’t,” said the old man. “It is dangerous for the dead, for a mortal, you will join them.” Virgil did not respond; he just walked further into the black water and began to swim into the fog.

            It was a hellish swim, like trying to move through thick, hard, molasses. Except not like that, because with a thick substance like that it would at least be easy to keep one’s head above it, but Virgil felt like he was a rock in the lake. It was a Herculean effort just to keep his head out of the water. But eventually, after what felt like hours of swimming, Virgil began to sink. Maybe he would see his wife again.

            Then he found himself on the ferry. He quickly sat up, trying to make sense of his disorientation.

            “I saw you drowning,” said the old man rowing the boat deeper into the fog. “Then I saved you, but you were already passed out when I got to you.”

            “Won’t you get in trouble for taking a passenger that did not pay their fair?” Virgil asked, not sure about a lot of the specifics of Greek mythology.

            “They can’t exactly fire me. Besides, as far as I am concerned, watching a man trying to swim through the river Styx is payment for several passengers.” The old man did not speak for the rest of the ride, and Virgil did not try to speak to him until they reached the other end.

            “Thank you,” said Virgil as he stepped out of the boat and onto the dark stone of the Palace Hades.

            “You’re welcome.”

            After Virgil stepped into the palace, he was confronted by a threat he did not expect. The front door of the palace opened into a long hallway, covered in distorted abstract paintings, and nightmarish wallpaper. At the end of that long hallway was a naked emaciated man. He was not sure why, but Virgil could tell this man’s name was Nailed.

            “It’s pointless you know,” said Nailed. “He is the god of the underworld, not death.”

            “I know, but she is my love, and I will have her back,” Virgil said, firm like stone. That was all it took because after those words were spoken, Nailed vanished, and Virgil was able to proceed.

            The next room was yet another hallway, but not just that, it was the exact same hallway. Same walls, same pictures, same everything. At the end of this hallway was a man who looked to be in his mid-fifties and seemed to have at some point been very muscular, before age took its toll. Virgil knew his name was Ranged.

            “How dare you!? How dare a heathen like you step into this palace thinking you can command a god!?” Ranged growled like a wolf guarding its meat.

            “I’m sorry okay!?” Virgil cried. “I am sorry I want to see my wife again! I am sorry that I don’t exactly think it is fair that my wife was killed by some pig just because she was walking down the street at the wrong time of night! I am sorry that I don’t give a shit about gods or any other natural forces in this world and just want to be happy again! I haven’t been happy in a long time and that is all I want, and only she can give it to me!” sobbed Virgil before falling to his knees.

            “Pathetic. But you made me pity you,” said Ranged before vanishing in the same way that Nailed had.

            Virgil continued cry for a while longer. Once Virgil had finished, he proceeded down the hall to the next room, which he knew would be the same hall again, where he would face the next guardian.

The guardian was a large refrigerator sized muscular young man. But rather than seeming like some kind of bodybuilder, Virgil thought he was more of a used car salesman. The look on the guardian’s face was the same as his name, Grin.

“Let’s make a deal,” said Grin in an almost southern accent, not quite because there was little chance this man had ever been to the south, but he almost sounded like it.

“What is it?” asked Virgil, skeptical but not pessimistic.

“You want to see your wife, right? She is the woman you love, the one you wanted to spend your life with, why not just kill yourself and be with her forever?”

“Because, I have other people to live for. And I am not going to be having a Kool-Aid party just so I can be with everyone in the underworld.”

“Are we negotiating?”

“Absolutely,” said Virgil stepping ever towards Grin. Grin seemed to be growing smaller and smaller, while Virgil felt himself growing larger and larger. It was all thanks to his will, his determination, his love, he was going to win. “Let me through, and you will not be harmed.”

“That does not seem like a fair trade,” said Grin looking up at the giant. He was still smiling, but now he was sweating profusely.

“I said I would negotiate, not that I would make a fair deal. This is my ultimatum!” Virgil said in a booming voice of thunder.

Like the other guardians, Grin vanished, allowing Virgil to advance to the next hallway. He returned to his regular size and opened the door.

Only this time the door did not lead to a hallway, instead, it was a throne room, at the center of it, in the throne, sat a man dressed in a black toga. He seemed like he was somehow both younger than Virgil, and indescribably ancient.

“Hades?”

“Indeed,” said the man in a royal voice, gazing at Virgil through his long black hair.

“I want my wife back, she was taken from me unfairly,” Virgil said with his feet firmly on the ground.

“I know what it’s like,” said Hades. “Having to be away from the woman you love. But I thought my general told you, I am not the god of death, just the afterlife.”

“I know that,” said Virgil. “I know you would not be able to resurrect her, but I just want to see her again, I want to say goodbye.”

“Very well,” said Hades. He held up his long index finger. “But you must walk out of the underworld the same way you came. She will be behind you, but she will not speak, and you must not look back, you must trust me.”

“NO!”

“What!? You dare defy a god you mortal!?” Hades had remained calm up until this point, but now he spoke with the rage of a volcano.

“YOU ARE NOT MY GOD! I NEVER CHOSE YOU AND I WILL NOT BE SUBJECT TO YOUR RULES!”

Hades felt fear, a fear like he felt towards his father. But this man, this mortal he wasn’t a Titan, he wasn’t a demigod, he wasn’t even some special human, this Virgil was just a common man. Hades could not understand what was making this man so powerful, then he remembered Prometheus and what was given, and then he remembered Persephone and what this man was using.

“You may see her, just, don’t break anything,” Hades said trying to hide both his fear, and admiration. The mortal calmed himself and sat down as Hades gave the order for the spirit of the mortal’s wife to be brought to him.

“May I ask one question before she arrives?” asked Hades.

“Go right ahead, I am a good house guest,” said Virgil.

“Who are you?” inquired Hades. Virgil chuckled and smirked.

“Me? I’m just a plumber.”